Some Warning Signs of Insanity - - You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write. - You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations. - Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask. - You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge. - You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. - You collect dead windowsill flies. - Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!" - You like cats. Especially with mayo. - You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued. - You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch. - Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards. - You have a predominant fear of fabric softener. - You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn. - Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons. - Melba toast sexually excites you. - When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears." - You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you. - You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes. - Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia. - Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!" - You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease. - You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk. - You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it. - People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.
Computer Problem - "Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ......"Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ......"Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ......"Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"
The Psychiatric Hotline - "Hello, welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
How do you keep an idiot occupied? - (Scroll Down) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . (Scroll Up) (he-he)(woo-hoo!) (yee-haa!)
The Darwin Awards-1996 Nominees - [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. "Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. ]Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected." Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived. [Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctor's paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life. "More intelligence-challenged people" 45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil. Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2.later tried to post his $400 bail in coins. Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7: 50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. In case you've forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below: * James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck. "Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft. " [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95] * Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to "move" a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing. * Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit. * In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldn't find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.
Courtroom ding-dongs! - *** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. *** ( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. ) Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region. Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about. Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears. Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral. Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk. Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did! Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.
Things NOT to say to a Cop! - 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!! 5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 8. Bad cop! No Donut! 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 10. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"? 11. You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. 12. I pay your salary! 13. So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what? 14. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too. 15. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 16. I was trying to keep up with the other traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are. 17. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!
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50 things to do in an elevator - 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occassionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica. 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see whats in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
14 Things to do While Taking a Driver's Test - 1. Turn the radio on. When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand. 2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "buckle up!" 3. Come dressed in a suit. Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of saran wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat. 4. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood clutch and say "oops". 5. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?" 6. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil. 7. Fill your car with beer bottles. 8. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs. 9. Tell the Registrar that you are taking the remedial test. 10. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner. 11. Swear at everybody on the road. 12. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light. 13. Beep your horn at everything. 14. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.
Insurance Claim Statements - 1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. 3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it. 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way. 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. 11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident. 13) Upon collision and in a flash of blue, I hit my head, twisted my neck, and tossed the lower part of my body out the side window. 14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. 15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. 16) An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. 17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture. 18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side of the street when I struck him. 19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over him. 20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. 21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 22) The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of its way, when it struck the front of my car. 23) The accident occurred with me waving to the man I hit last week. 24) I hit a bus stop sign that was obscured by human beings. 25) The pedestrian was all over the road, I had to swerve a few times before I hit him. 26) A bull was standing near and a fly must have tickled him as he gored my car. 27) A stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. 28) I immediately applied my brakes as the vehicle struck the cement wall, thus bringing my car to a complete halt. 29) I left my car unattended for a minute when by accident it ran away. 31) I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress, then we met on impact. 32) I struck the young man with my husband's car. He wanted to call the police but after having a look at my particulars he decided we should go to his apartment and settle things in private. 33) I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became squashed. 34) I thought my car was in reverse but I found otherwise when it lurched forward, doing injury to a parking meter. When the police arrived the meter had expired. 35) I was contemplating continuous travel of a relaxing nature when, without due justification or color of right, my vehicle was struck in the rear by a vehicle driven by a person of obvious sub-normal intelligence. 36) I was on my way through a green light, with 3 witnesses, on the way to the accident that was about to happen. 37) I was thrown from my car as I left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. 38) I was unable to control my car when it went berserk and struck another vehicle. 39) I was unable to stop in time, and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers left immediately for a vacation with injuries. 40) My car hit a pothole and came to rest approximately fifteen feet below the surface of the road. 41) My girlfriend kissed me. I lost control and woke up in the hospital. 42) My mind became confused by a sign that read "Free Puppy for Sale". The next thing I remember, I was in the ditch. 43) No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert. 44) The accident happened when a right front door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal. 45) The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle. 46) The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in the bush with just his rear end showing. 47) The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. 48) The other car attempted to cut in front of me, so I, with my right front fender, removed his left rear tail light. 49) The other driver looked like the usual lane-hopping type with thick horn rimmed glasses, pimply faced, brown suit and thick soled shoes. 50) The other driver struck my car with an Expired Drivers License then left the scene of the accident. 51) There was a heavy fog and I was unable to find the traffic lights. A witness told the police that the other driver had the lights with him when he entered the intersection. 52) When I pressed the windshield spray button my car left the road and struck a fire hydrant. I was unable to see the road because of the spray. My windows are clean. 53) When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
Somebody flunked elf school... - 5-year-old Nicholas was sitting on a department store Santa's lap and told him, "My name's the same as yours." Santa's helper blows his cover when he says, "Well, hello, Harold!"
Constipation Remedy - A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the grad said, "Shoving them up my ass!"
Bad eyes - A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
Lunatic & his dog - A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash. The doctor asked the man: "What are you doing, walking the dog?" The man replied: "Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash." The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions... And the man said to his toothbrush: "Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!"