Judges Award - "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Actual Court Sayings! - 30 things people actually said in court Question 1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year. Question 2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks. Question 3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten? Question 4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 years Question 5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan. Question 6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximatly milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Question 7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think. Question 8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Question 9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, Voodoo. Question 10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at? Question 11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning? Question 12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he? Question 13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Question 14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Question 15. Q: Did he kill you? Question 16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision? Question 17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Question 18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Question 19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time? Question 20. Q: She had three children right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: none. Q: Were there any girls? Question 21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? Question 22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife? Question 23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? Question 24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. Question 25. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female? Question 26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Question 27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to? A: Oral Question 28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Question 29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? Question 30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Attorney Hunting Rules - A BILL TO REGULATE THE HUNTING AND HARVESTING OF ATTORNEYS 372.01 - Any person with a valid California state rodent or deer hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (non-commercial) purposes. 372.02 - Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited. 372.03 - The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372.04 - It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or fixed-wing aircraft. 372.05 - It is unlawful to shout "Whiplash!", "Ambulance!", or "Free Scotch!" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372.06 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within one hundred (100) yards of BMW, Porsche, or Mercedes dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372.07 - It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within two hundred (200) yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. No fair, that's their stompin' grounds! 372.08 - If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess same. 372.09 - It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 372.10 - Bag Limits Per Day Yellow Bellied Sidewinders 2 - Two-faced Tortfeasors 1 - Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 - Horn Rimmed Cut-throats 2 - Honest Attorneys (ENDANGERED SPECIES)
The Case of the Smoked Cigar - A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested ... on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.
Lawyers - A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, and everything but lunch hours. Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services. Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list: FOR CROSSING THE STREET TO TALK TO YOU, THEN DISCOVERING IT WASN'T YOU AFTER ALL -- $125.
Trust - A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial --it went like this: Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q: Officer, who provided this description? A: The officer who responded to the scene. Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A: Yes sir, with my life. Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A: Yes sir, we do. Q: And do you have a locker in that room? A: Yes sir, I do. Q: And do you have a lock on your locker? A: Yes sir. Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers? A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Explaination - A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Valentine's Cards - A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies!
2 plus 2 - A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2 plus 2?" The housewife replies: "Four!". The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
Freedom Cost Him An Arm - A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!
St. Peter - A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The 12 marriages! - A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin." This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. She responded: My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!' My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation. My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up. My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach. My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job. My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it. My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.' My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it. My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him! So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!
A lawyers tomstone - A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer." The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
Lawyer hit by a car - A lawyer's car stalled on the side of the freeway. As he was getting out to see what was the matter, a reckless driver swerved taking off the whole car door and knocking the lawyer to the ground. A passing police car pulled over. As the policeman got out he heard the lawyer shouting, 'my mercedes, my brand new mercedes!" As the policeman approached he was shocked to notice the lawyer's right arm missing. ''Do you realize your arm is gone?'' asked the policeman? The lawyer, stunned, began to scream, "My rolex, my brand new rolex!"
The Bunny and the Snake - A little blind bunny and a little blind snake met each other in the woods one day and, as neither of them could see themselves, they decided to feel each other and then describe each other so that the bunny would know what kind of animal he was and the snake would also know what he was. The snake ran his toungue over the bunny. "Why, you are fluffy and soft and have a wet nose" he said "you must be a bunny." The bunny then ran his paws over the length of the snake an said, "Well,you are cold, slimy, scaly and hard" he said... "you must be a lawyer!"