Fun Quotes - ---------------------- BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO. ---------------------- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software. ---------------------- I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. ----------------------- I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone. ------------------------ Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names. ----------------------- JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass. ----------------------- I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always". ----------------------- What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? ------------------------ Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation? ------------------------ It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. ------------------------ If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy? ------------------------ 1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing. ------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. ---------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. ---------------------- Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house. ----------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ------------------------ I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. ----------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. ----------------------- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder. ----------------------- A closed mouth gathers no foot. ----------------------- The trouble with life is there's no background music. ----------------------- THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law) ----------------------- If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN. ----------------------- The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population. ------------------------- First draw the curve, then plot the data. ------------------------- A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party. ----------------------- IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX? ----------------------- When blondes have more fun do they know it? ----------------------- REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE. ----------------------- What happens if you get scared half to death twice? ----------------------- WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER. ----------------------- OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY? ----------------------- Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible. -----------------------
Coconut & hurricane - -What did the hurricane say to the coconut? -Hold on to your nuts, it's going to be a hell of a blow job!
Book Titles - "Bloody Stump" by: Rusty Zipper "Sliding Down a Flagpole" by: Dick Burns "Brown Spots on the Wall" By: Whoflung Dung
Tee Shirt Lines - "Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead" "Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat" "Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton" "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt" "Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control" "If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees" "If You Can Read This...Kiss A Teecher" "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" (Across a drawing of a skeleton) "Waiting for the Perfect Man" "My Husband and I Married for Better or Worse... .... He Couldn't do Better and I Couldn't Do Worse" "The More I Learn About Women, the More I Love My Harley"
Living on Earth - "Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun!"
Cards You Won't Find At Hallmark - "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?" "Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife." "How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?" "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind." "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me." "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..." "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!" "Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again." "Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you." "You look great for your age.......Almost Lifelike!" "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise." "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys." "We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?" "I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here." "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out who the father was?" "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often." "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- So we're having you put to sleep."
Only in America! - "Only in America": ...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. ...are there handicapped parking places in front of a skating rink. ...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke. ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage. ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. ...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures".
100's of Bumper Stickers - "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "All generalizations are false." "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle." "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons." "Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death" "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "The more people I meet, the more I like my dog." "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Conserve toilet paper, use both sides." "REHAB is for quitters" "I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!" "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep" "All men are Idiots, and I married their King!" "E. coli Happens" "Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!" "Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician" "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport." "SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver" "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Towers will be violated" "Work is for people who don't know how to fish" "Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! " "End rape. Say 'Yes!'" "I KNOW JACK SHIT!" "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!" "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian." "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus." "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!" "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you." "If you don't like the news, go out and make some." "I Brake For No Apparent Reason." "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS." "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! " "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips." "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked." "Wink, I'll do the rest!" "I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!" "No Radio - Already Stolen" "Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." "Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges." "I took an IQ test and the results were negative." "When there's a will, I want to be in it!" "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?" "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?" "Few women admit their age, Few men act it! " "I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!" "I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!" "Assassins do it from behind!" "Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!" "Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!" "Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist." "IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. " "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it's students!" "Which came first? The woman or the department store?" "LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice." "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools." "According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist." "Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them." "Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have." "A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!" "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" "I'm not as think as you drunk I am" "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering" Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms" "Don't come knocking if the car is rocking" "Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter" "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! " "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear." "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." "We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?" "We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse." "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot." "He who laughs last thinks slowest" "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math." "Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies." "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy." "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps." "i souport publik edekasion" "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette." "We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated." "Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home." "Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..." "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't." "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?" "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?" "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'.. till you can find a rock." "2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2." "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles." "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. " "Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy." "I is a college student." "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off." "Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself." "Eschew obfuscation." "God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!" "I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?" "CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason." "We're staying together for the sake of the cats." "It's been lovely, but I have to scream now." "My karma ran over your dogma." "Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition." "I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily." "Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus." "Welcome to Texas, now go home." "It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you." "If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own." "Life's too short to dance with ugly men." "Life's too short to dance with ugly women." "My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her." "When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS)." "Beer isn't just for breakfast any more." "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." "Will Rogers never met a lawyer." "Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton." "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better." "Don't steal. The government hates competition." "Is there life before coffee?" "Never play leap frog with a unicorn." "Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m" "The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful." "I Cayman went." "My other wife is beautiful." "I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?" "Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips." "Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle." "Nuke the unborn baby whales." "Geez if you belive in honkus." "Friends don't let friends drive naked." "Save California; when you leave take someone with you." "I came, I saw, I did a little shopping." "There's one in every crowd and they always find me." "If money could talk, it would say goodbye." "When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger." "Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats." "If it's too loud, you're too old." "The worst day fishing is better than the best day working." "Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing." "Who cares who's on board?" "Die Yuppie Scum." "Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it." "Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister." "Women make great leaders. You're following one now." "Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities." "Exxon Suxx." "Honk if you love cheeses." "Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist." "I don't care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be." "So many pedestrians, so little time."
The good, bad, and ugly! - * Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids * Bad: You can't find your birth control pills * Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them * Good: Your son studies a lot in his room * Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. * Ugly: You're in them * Good: Your husband understands fashion * Bad: He's a cross-dresser * Ugly: He looks better than you * Good: Your son's finally maturing * Bad: He's involved with the woman next door * Ugly: So are you * Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter * Bad: She keeps interrupting * Ugly: With corrections * Good: Your wife's not talking to you * Bad: She wants a divorce * Ugly: She's a lawyer * Good: The postman's early * Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 * Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas * Good: Your daughter got a new job * Bad: As a hooker * Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients * Way ugly: She makes more money than you do * Good: You're son is dating someone new * Bad: It's another man * Ugly: He's you're best friend * Good: You're wife is pregnant. * Bad: It's triplets * Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Truisms! - * If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. * Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life. * The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. * A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. * If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. * Change is inevitable....except from vending machines. * Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things. * A fool and his money are soon partying. * Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. * Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. * Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it! * If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments. * How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands.... * Attempt to get a new car for your spouse....it'll be a great trade! * Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route. * I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. * Everybody repeat after me...."We are all individuals." * Death to all fanatics! * Guests who kill talk show hosts....On the last Geraldo. * Chastity is curable, if detected early. * Don't be sexist; broads hate that! * Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. * Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. * Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. * Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. * Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked in jet engines. * Borrow money from pessimists....they don't expect it back. * Beware of geeks bearing gifs. * Half the people you know are below average. * 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. * 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. * A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. And finally.... * If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you
Laws of ... - * Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money. * Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five. * Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it. * Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed. * The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay. * Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens. * First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else. * Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references. * Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale. * Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location. * Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway. * The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag. * Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off. * Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot. * Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services. * Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is. * Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Quotes - * Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway. * Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen. * People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place. * As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most... is its length. * The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you'd think there was a reward. * Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips. * Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.
Bumper Stickers - ** EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later. ** If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. ** No, I don't have a license to kill; it's just a learners permit. ** Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect. ** Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian! ** Taxation WITH representation Ain't so hot, either! ** White water... It's all over when the First Lady sings. ** Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Interesting Facts - *The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. * The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. * Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten. * Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. * David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. * Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. * In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. * Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. * February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. * Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds. * The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. * No word in the English language rhymes with month. * The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. * There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. * Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. * Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. * Cat's urine glows under a black light. * Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. * The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. * Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. * It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. * In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. * Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. * The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. * Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously * If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. * The most common name in the world is Mohammed. * Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. * No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl * The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver". * In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured * Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son. * One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers --they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. * The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. * Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older * The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"
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