Twas the Night Before... - 'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube. When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right. Whoa S**thead, whoa A**hole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts. Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree, Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee. They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub, Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub. And then from the roof we heard such a clatter, As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder. I was donning my jockeys, to cover my ass, When down the chimney Santa came with a crash. His suit was all smelly with perfume galore, He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore. "That was some brothel," he said with a smile, "The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay awhile" He walked to the kitchen for himself poured a drink, Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink. I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee, The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee. Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack, But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed. The first thing he found was a pair of false tits, The next was a handgun with a penis that spits. A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find, And six pair of panties, the edible kind. A bra without nipples, a penis extension, And several more things I shouldn't even mention. A f**k ring, a G-string, and all types of oil, And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil. "This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will s**t, Do I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split." He filled every stocking and then took his leave, With one tiny butt plug stuck under his sleeve. He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead, Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead. In time he was seated, took reigns of his hitch, Saying, "Take me home, Rudolf. This night's been a bitch!" The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout, "The best thing about pussy is you can't wear it out!!"
Nite before Xmas - Net Style! - 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net, There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet. The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens, While visions of Java danced in their dreams. My wife on the sofa and me with a snack, We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac). When out in the Web there arose such a clatter, I jumped to the site to see what was the matter. To a new page my Mac flew like a flash, Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!! I gasped at the thought and started to grouse, Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse. When what to my wondering eyes should appear, My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear. When the image resolved, so bright and so quick, I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick! More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came, Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name; "Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel; "On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal! "Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip! Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!" The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram", Then into my room rose a full hologram! He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes, Which were black (the white socks he really should lose). He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack. Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack! His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno! This ain't the same Santa that I used to know! With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head, Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke, And accessed my C drive with only a stroke. He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm", Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim! He worked without noise, his fingers they flew! He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo! He updated Office, Excel and Quicken, Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken! My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape, As he added the latest version of Netscape. The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased, St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased. Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose, Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros! He flew back into my screen and through my uplink, Back into the net with barely a blink. But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight, "Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!" Merry Xmas to you all !!!
A Night Before Christmas Parody (Technical Version) - 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Musmusculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas. The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof. Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water. Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless. Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about- face, placed a single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn." HO! HO! HO!
A Networkologist's Christmas - "'Tis the night before Christmas," I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed. Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting. When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. "No problem," I thought. "I'm set up with RAID 5." But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! "No problem," I thought. "I've tape backup to thank." And then I discovered my backups were blank. The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody heard as I vented my rage. My gurus were all on vacation those days. And nobody's tech support answered the phone. I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone. When out at reception, I heard a soft knock. As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock. "What's your problem?" he asked. "Never mind, friend, I know. I checked out your network five hours ago. I did some proactive analysis, so I knew that this time bomb was going to blow." Who was this guy? Who did he think he was? He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves. His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius. His smile cut down personal distance between us. He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work. "Whoever configured this network's a jerk," He said with a :-) as he quickly rebooted, Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide That went via wireless, I think, LEO, To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole. "Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!" He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed. "Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic! Technology often looks just like some magic To people who don't understand what we do. Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue! Look at the protocols, check one or two, Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We're through!" My data was back! Every system checked out! Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about. "How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!" He said, "Really, my friend, it's not such a great trick, If you don't give up hope, focus on what you're doing, And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING." And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing, "Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!"
Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families - "Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!" "If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you." "If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man." "Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!" "Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!" "Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore." "Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!" "If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!" "Don't make me put you back in the womb!" "As long as you live under this roof, you're *going* to wear that dress, young man!" "You just wait til your father gets paroled!" "Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin." "Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!" and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families... "All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!"
Long list of annoyances! - *** Things that can and do bother the "normal" person. *** Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog! There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope...OUCH! Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...DOUBLE OUCH! People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it! You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
Sure signs that you're broke! - 1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. 3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. 4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. 5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. 6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 10. Your bologna has no first name. 11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice. 12. Sally Struthers sends you food. 13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. 14. At communion you go back for seconds.
New rules for dieting! - 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream. 5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears. 6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage. 7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. 8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off. 9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa. 10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
The problem with Santa! - 1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4. The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.
Rejected Hallmark Cards - 1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry. 3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends. 4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy. 5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. 6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry
50 Ways to Appreciate Life - 1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled. 2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer. 3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer. 4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer. 5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them. 6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too! 7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer. 8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring. 9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing. 10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor. 11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference! 12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend! 13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you. 14. Make someone's day, -- or night. 15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer! 16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar. 17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you! 18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor. 19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend! 20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard! 21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time. 22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate. 23. Dive in. -- Naked! 24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :) 25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds. 26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked. 27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice. 28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine. 29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle. 30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice. 31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector! 32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow! 33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman. 34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination. 35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer. 36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same. 37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend. 38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming. 39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them! 40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities. 41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap. 42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub! 43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat! 44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it. 45. Dance -- in bed 46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick. 47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they? 48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy. 49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat. 50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't - 10. Reach in and grab the giblets! 9. Whew.....that's one terrific spread! 8. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat. 7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist. 6. Talk about a huge breast! 5. "And he forces his way into the end zone" 4. She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down. 3. It's cool whip time!! 2. If I don't unbuckle my pants, I'm going to burst. 1. It must be broken 'cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.
Odd Wedding Gifts - 100 facecloths 25 darning needles any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse bag of potting mix box of legal size hanging file folders bucket of sand cat door cellophane tape and staples dairy for 1991 exquisitely wrapped house-brick framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich") globe hat rack his and hers dishwashing liquid. map of West Brazil mixer (for the non-cooking couple) mobile modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop) nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper one shoe receipt book salad shooter (this one is a classic :-) silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these) spice rack step ladder towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it. towrope triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)
Learn your ABC's - Mom Style! - A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning. C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting. E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING." F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew. G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair. H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers. I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. J - JUNK: Dad's stuff. K - KISS: Mom's medicine. L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents. M - MAYBE: No. N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp." O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad. P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops. Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college. R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen. S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma. T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS". U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident. V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too. W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room. X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying. Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school. Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
The Honeymoon Begins - A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"