Political Speech Goofs - "I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign "This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral "Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students "For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989 "What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund "I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland."--William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline "I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush "If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan "My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on "Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle "Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan AND GREAT MOMENTS IN POLITICAL DEBATES: Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize. Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time. FOREIGN GOOFS "Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "I am a jelly doughnut" --English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall "We pray for MacArthur's erection." --sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." --from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991 "It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." --Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad MISCELLANEOUS "I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that."--Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona "Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States."--Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972 "Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian "Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer "I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience
Nixon and Clinton Similarities! - "Similarities between presidents Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton": Nixon: Watergate Clinton: Water Bed Nixon: His biggest fear: the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear: a Cold Sore Nixon: Carpet bombing Clinton: Carpet burns Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18-minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 38-DD bra in his briefcase Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: No difference Nixon: Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Know for women pointing at him and say "He's the one" Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her
Clinton's Address to the Nation - (Be read when using the Willy voice in your head) SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum. 10.16 P.m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998 Good evening. This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury. I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer. Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the media. As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While I, a compulsive liar, deemed my answers legally accurate, I was not stupid enough to volunteer any information that might help prove what I did to Paula. Indeed, I did have a relationship with Ms. Lewinsky that was not appropriate. In fact, since I got caught, I can see it was wrong. It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part to destroy all evidence linking me to the events, for which I am solely and completely responsible, but for which I refuse to apologize. But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now, that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence, or to take any other unlawful action. I was a lawyer before becoming your President and I know better than to do these things. I have less important people to do these things whenever I indicate that I would like to see something go away. I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression, and that is what I intended. How could I know this thing would spin out of control or that my spin doctors would be too worn out from the plethora of scandals to be effective. I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that, because Hillary is a better lawyer and will clean me out in any divorce settlement. I regret misleading my friends because most of them have evidence of other wrongdoing that may hurt me. I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct. I was also very concerned about protecting myself from my family. The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit about my tendency to expose my private parts to women, which my lies and obstruction of justice has since caused to be dismissed, was a consideration, too. I could not allow the truth to be known until after the statute of limitations expires. In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago. Dealings, I might add, about which an independent federal agency, staffed with my political appointees and friends, found none of the evidence of wrongdoing by me, or my wife, over two years ago. The independent counsel investigation has enough evidence of wrongdoing on my part to move on to my staff and friends, now into my private life with interns in the oval office. And now the investigation itself is under investigation, because my very large staff of lawyers found a gullible judge who is stupid enough to help me by requiring the independent counsel to prove he didn't leak the things that we leaked. This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people, and is getting much to close to the evidence I have worked so hard to conceal. I call upon all of my friends in the sympathetic media to join with me in stopping this out-of-control situation before they get enough evidence to impeach me. Now, this matter is among me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God. I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so. Even the bombing of terrorist camps that we have known about for ten years. Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours, and the focus groups indicated that there were enough stupid people to believe this nonsense. Even presidents have private lives with interns in the oval office. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into my sex addiction and get on with our national life. My stonewalling and lying has caused this country to be distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this, even though I did it because of Ken Starr. That is all I can get away with. Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time -- to move on. We have important work to do -- new women to seduce, new interns to chase, and real terrorist camps to bomb. And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle I have created for the past seven months by lying to the American People, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century, and to help me shut down the independent counsel before he closes the trap on me in such a manner that I can no longer lie my way out of this mess. Thank you for watching and good night.
Possible titles for Lewinsky's new book - 1. I Suck At My Job 2. What Really Goes Down In The White House 3. How I Blew It In Washington 4. You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President 5. Clear and Present Boner 6. Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule 7. Going Back for Gore 8. Podium Girl 9. Secret Services to the President 10. Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton 11. Deep Inside The Oval Office 12. The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions 13. She's Chief of MY Staff! 14. Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes 15. How To Beat Off the Government 16. Going Down and Moving Up 17. Members of the Presidential Cabinet 18. Me and My Big Mouth 19. How To Get Ahead in Business
4 Docs and GW Bush! - 4 Doctors were talking shop one day... An Israeli doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor said "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." A Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, said "Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!"
Bus Full of Politicians - A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery,loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. "Were they all dead?" The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."
Cannibals and Politicians - A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu... Broiled Missionary: $25.00 Fried Explorer: $35.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
The Prayer - A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those idiots deducted $95.00!
Trouble at tax time! - A man called to testify at the Revenue Canada, (Canada's IRS) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the Revenue Canada?!" "Simple", replied the Priest..."It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
Congress Reduces Solar System - A Press Release - WASHINGTON D.C. The House Appropriations subcommittee on NASA oversight, in another effort to reduce the NASA budget, passed a resolution today to downsize the solar system. According to an unnamed congressional staffer, House Republicans felt there has been "too much redundancy in the solar system" and that streamlining the 4.5 billion year old planetary system is long overdue. Such action would give NASA fewer places to go and this would allow the agency to carry out its space exploration goals within the funding profile that the House proposed earlier this summer. "Look, we have three terrestrial planets" said Congressman Rip U. Apart (R, Del.), "and only one of them really works! So why not get rid of the other two and clean up the neighborhood?" Most subcommittee members felt that while downsizing was definitely in the cards, eliminating both Mars and Venus was going too far. "We have too many international commitments to Mars." said Rush N. Hater (R, Calif.). "So I think we should keep Mars and dump Venus. Its too hot to live on, and liberal Democrats keep using it as an example of what global warming can do. So from a political and practical point of view, Venus has got to go." Also at risk is the planet Mercury which lacks support because of its small size and poor visibility from Earth. "Who needs it?" asked Congressman Newt Onian (R, N.C.). "Have you ever seen it? I haven't. So what good is it? We just don't need useless planets. And speaking of useless planets, what about the asteroids? If you've seen one, you've seen them all. So I say we ought to get rid of the little boogers once and for all." However, the downsizing recommendations do not stop with the terrestrial planets. The resolution also calls for a reduction in the number of gas giants which contain most of the planetary mass in the solar system. Most subcommittee members favor retaining Jupiter and Saturn, and eliminating Uranus and Neptune. "Jupiter employs the most molecules, and Saturn has those pretty little rings everyone likes." said Rep. Con Mann (R, Fla.). "On the other hand, Uranus is a bore and its rings are dirty. And Neptune, for God's sake, is just too far away. So begone with those ugly bruisers." But the influential Wright I.M. Fornow from South Carolina has publicly announced he will fight to eliminate Saturn. Fornow is especially miffed by NASA's success thus far in keeping Cassini, the next mission to Saturn, alive which he feels is waste of taxpayers money. "If there ain't no Saturn, then there ain't no Cassini" he exclaimed. The congressman also expressed concern about sending back-to-back spacecraft bearing Italian surnames to the outer planets (The Galileo spacecraft arrives at Jupiter this December). The subcommittee was unanimous in its views towards Pluto which they deemed a moral misfit. "Now here's a planet we can definitely do without." continued Fornow. "A few years ago, it was farthest from the sun. Now its not. Its just too confusing. And now they tell me its really two planets instead of one. What the hell is going on here?" The resolution must now be presented to the entire House, where it is expected to pass easily since only a minority of Representatives have constituents on the affected planets. NASA Administrator Golden has vowed to resist any further reductions to the solar system, saying that "NASA has expended considerable effort to make the planets cheaper, faster, and better. Much of this work would be wasted if the solar system were downsized" stated Golden. Critics say, however, that reducing the number of planets will not produce the expected savings to taxpayers. Textbooks, they note, would have to be revised to reflect the new arrangement, and facilities would need to be constructed to remove the planets themselves. The resolution is also likely to draw strong opposition from religious fundamentalists who have long opposed the elimination of any of the biblical planets. Thus, the matter is far from resolved.
The Barber - A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
A Lesson in Politics - A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow." The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?" The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said." Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed. The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now." "Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?" The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."
The Pope And Clinton - After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed. When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: "The Ten commandments."
7Bin Laden's trip to the pearly gates! - After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington. "How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says "This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!" He drops a large weight on Osama's knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams - "this is not what I was promised!" An angel replies "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you... What the hell did you think I said?
Presidential election - Al Gore's wife held a press conference today at the White House where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Al, and wearing no panties. Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied "Read my lips. No more Bush"