Confucius says again... - 1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit. 2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth. 3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag. 4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face. 5. Passionate kiss like spider web-lead to undoing of fly. 6. Man with holes in pocket, feels cocky all day. 7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night. 8. Virginity like balloon-one prick, all gone. 9. Girls who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town. 10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew. 11. Baseball all wrong-man with four balls can't walk. 12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement. 13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. 14. Man with penis in peanut butter is f***ing nuts. 15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok. 16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. 17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent. 18. Man who go to bed with sex on mind wake up with solution in hand.
The perfect woman! - A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He has been checking her out all night, but lacks the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man. He reflexively grabs and snatches it out of the air. "Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you." They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invites him back to her place for a drink. They go back to her HOUSE, and after a bit she leads him into the bedroom and begins Undressing him. The couple have wild passionate sex over and over all night. The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and brings him breakfast in bed. The guy is amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replies.... "You just happened to catch my eye. (hee-hee, hoo-hoo, that was terrible!)
The Foo Bird - A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim. The guide grabbed his arm and said "Oh,no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you! The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down. Then the rest of the flock returned aand pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy, "I must have some water right away to wash this mess off. The boy said "Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately! Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off. Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is "If the foo shits, wear it."
Affluance - A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture. The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window. "Do you want a screwdriver?" she asked. The chauffeur shrugged. "Might as well," he said," I can't get this bloody hub cap off!!!
Downsizing - A small business owner was faced with the problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he fired one of his employees. He looked in his files and saw that he had two new employees; one named Jill, and the other named Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that he would fire the first one he saw taking a break. About ten minutes later he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler. He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, "Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I'm going to either have to lay you or Jack off." Jill looked at her employer and said, "Well, you're going to have to jack off. I have a headache."
Breakfast, Lunch, & Supper! - After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor". Q: What did you have for breakfast? A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor! Q: What did you have for lunch? A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor! Q: What did you have for supper? A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Q: What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street? hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!
What's In a Name? - An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing. The director asked the young man his name. "Penis van Lesbian," the man replied proudly. "Well," said the director, "we'll have to change that." "Oh," the young man said, "I could never change my name. It's my heritage." "Well," said the director, "if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business." The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street. "Do you remember me," asked the young man? "Yes, I do," said the director. "I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to." "Well, I finally took your advice," the young man said. "I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since." "I told you so," the director replied. "And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?" "Dick van Dyke."
Seal - An Alaskan woman having car trouble pulls her Station Wagon into the local Exxon service station and has it looked over. The Chillyland mechanic from under the hood says: "Ma'am it looks like you blew a seal." The Alaskan woman replies wiping her face: "No, it's just Mayonaise."
The Wizard of Oz - At the edge of the forest there was a somewhat mediocre wizard. He is there to help the animals of the forest with some of their daily problems. One day a toad hops in. The toad says "Oh wizard, please help me. I was born with a yellow penis." "I've told you animals, I can't help you with any big problems," responds the wizard. "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz." So the toad hops off on his merry little way. But in not too long an elephant enters the wizards pad. "Oh wizard," the elephant begins, "please help me. I was born without a trunk." Now the wizard is infuriated. "Don't you stupid animals ever listen!!! Take your damn big problems to the wizard of Oz!" The elephant responds "But, wizard how do I get to the Wizard of Oz?" "Oh that's easy," says the wizard. "Just follow the yellow dicked toad!"
If, And, Butt! - If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper. And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker. And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper. What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Timbucktoo - It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day. When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven." So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo." "Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?" Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo."
Di and Dolly Go To Heaven - Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter. St. Peter said "Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy!" He smiled. "Well...if you must know...I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs..." Dolly Parton said. "And I was going to the bathroom!" Princess Diana said. "You may enter into Heaven..." St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through. "WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?!" Dolly Parton asked. "Why...don't you know...a royal flush beats 2 of a kind!" St. Peter exclaimed.
Coffee Time - Q: How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee? A: With Kareem!!! Q: What does it say, on great Hawaiian singer, Don's mail box? A: The Ho House!!!
Puns by the Pound! - Q: what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job... Q: Did you hear about the queer burglar? A: He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator... Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby? A: Because you get a womb with a view... Q: Why are eggs so frusterated? A: Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard... Q: Where do you get virgin wool? A: From ugly sheep... Q: What did Adam say to Eve? A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets... Q: Did you hear about the deaf gynecoligist? A: He had to learn how to read ilps... Q: Why are chickens so ugly? A: You'd be ugly too if you had a pecker hanging out your forehead... Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Cause they dont know the words... Q: Where are an elephant's sex organs? A: In his feet- if he steps on you you're fucked... Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? A: If she farts, her ankles will swell... Q: What's the ulitmate rejection? A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep... Q: How do you know when an elephant's been fucking in your garage? A: Your Hefty bags are missing...
To Fry a Peter - Q: What do you use to fry a peter? A: Peter Pan.
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