Why God Doesn't Have a PhD - 1. He has only one major publication. 2. It was in Hebrew. 3. It had no references. 4. It wasn't published in a referred journal. 5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself. 6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then? 7. His cooperative efforts have been very limited. 8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results. 9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects. 10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects. 11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample. 12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book. 13. Some say he had his son teach the class. 14. He expelled his first two students for learning. 15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his test. 16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop. 17. He's been known to associate with prostitutes.
Ten Reasons Adam Was the Luckiest Man - 1. He is the only man who has never been compared to the man she could have married. 2. He had no in-laws to drop in. 3. There were no Jones for him to keep up with. 4. There were no credit cards OR shopping centers. 5. He never had his dinner interrupted by window salesmen. 6. He got away with wearing a simple wardrobe. 7. He never had to shovel snow! 8. If he had gone bald, who would have known that wasn't normal. 9. There was no "standard weight and height" tables - and the word FAT meant good. 10. When God asked "Adam, where are you?" He replied, "The woman you gave me was reading the map."
Church announcement bloopers! - 15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins: 1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help. 2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs. 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study. 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter. 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so. 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
More Church Bloopers! - Actual bloopers found on church bulletin boards: Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Taylors. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. The 'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church. Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: "Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa." Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use the large double doors at the side entrance. The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge, Now Up Yours!" The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 pm. Please use the rear entrance. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King!
True announcements during Sunday service - And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance. Also the songsters brigade is in lack of male voices, so if you enjoy sinning, this is the place to be.
Children's letters to God - Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane Dear God, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! -Darla Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am) Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L. Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M. Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D. Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
African Missionary - Did you hear about the African missionary that gave some cannibals their first taste of religion?
HoHoHo - Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa!
Why David Killed Goliath - Do you know why David killed Goliath and then decapitated him? He wanted to get a-head!
The dieter's church! - Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread? It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!
Amish Couple - Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after 55 years of marriage? he wife told the judge that her husband was "driving her buggy!"
Holy water - How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Bible By College Students - How the Bible would have been different if written by college students: Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates. The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of Armageddon, rather Finals. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.
Good question! - If Atheists don't belive in God... ...can they get insured for an act of god?
Liberal Episcopalians - Q: Hey... Did you here about the new Episcopal Church that just opened up? A: They are so liberal that they have 6 commandments and 4 suggestions.
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