OLD is when... - "Old" is when... ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today. ..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. ... an "all nighter" means not getting up to pee! Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to get those odds? Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
Perks of being over 40... - 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M. 9. You can live without sex but not without glasses. 10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations. 11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans. 12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. 13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 15. You sing along with elevator music. 16. Your eyes won't get much worse. 17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service. 19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 21. You can't remember who sent you this list.
Great truths about life - 1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree. 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. 3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring. 4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires. 5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts. 6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy. 7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts. 9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day. 10.You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Signs you've grown up! - 1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. 10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 17. Dinner and a movie - it's the whole date instead of just the beginning of one. 18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information. 19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff'. 21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time. 22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi, Ho-Ho's. 23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Old Folke' Party Games - 10. Musical Recliners 9. Spin the bottle of Mylanta 8. Hide and Go Pee 7. Simon Says something Incoherent 6. Doc, Doc Goose 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over 4. Kick the Bucket 3. 20 Questions Shouted into your Good Ear 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy 1. Sag, You're It
Almost Love - A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?" "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
Get a hot mama! - A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that!... I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!" ------------------------------------------------------- What's the best thing about growing old? You get to hide your own Easter eggs. --------------------------------------------------------
Let Me See - A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "Okay," says the medic, "let me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.
No cookies for Grandpa - A boy goes on a fishing trip with his grandpa. They install themselves on the river bank and have brought with them all the provisions they need for a fine day's fishing. After a while, grandpa lights a cigarette. The boy gazes on. He knows his parents won't allow him to smoke, but he gets on well with his grandpa, so he asks 'Can I have one of those cigarettes?' Grandpa, knowing he shouldn't encourage the boy in a bad habit, but not wanting give a curt 'no' asks 'Does your dick reach your ass?'. The boy replies 'No , it doesn't'. 'Then, ' said grandpa, 'you aren't old enough to smoke.' Half an hour later grandpa opens a six pack. The boy has always wanted to taste beer so he asks grandpa for a swig. 'Does your dick reach your ass?' asks the old man. 'No, replies the boy.' 'Then you're not big enough to touch beer,' comes the reply. By and by the boy feels hungry and opens his lunch box. He finds a pack of cookies there and takes one out to eat it. Grandpa sees this and fancies a cookie himself, so he asks for one. The boy turns the tables on his grandpa and asks 'Does you dick reach your ass?' 'It sure does, says the old man.' 'Then go fuck yourself - These are all mine!'
Name That Restaurant! - A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says,"Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Great prices, too." Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?" Bernie says, "You're going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?" Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me..." "Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife... "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"
Kiss Me The Way You Used To - A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said, "Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married." He did. "Now kiss me the way you used to..." "Now darling, bite me the way you used to." At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said, "Where are you going dear?" "To get my teeth, dear," the husband replied.
Auto Light - A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks, "And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?" Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me automatically when I open the door." The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..." Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
Sex drive is too high - A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?" "Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded. "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered." This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining? "Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered." Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive." "Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing to between his legs.
A Smart Man! - A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport. "These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained. "These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others. "The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior. After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!"
Grandma's peanuts - A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."