Her Operation! - "A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" "Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself." "Who is the third rose from?" she asked "Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit... He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Let Go Please - "Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!" "I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!"
Do You Know what Im doing? - A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. He asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked. "Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?" "Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!"
A Tool - A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.
Absentminded Doc! - A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear? In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims, - "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
Ouch! - A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming at the top of his lungs. Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient. The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the chasing nurse, "Miss Jones, I said 'Prick his boil!'"
Where's My Pen - A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!"
The Absent Minded Doctor - A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said... "Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!"
Colored Penis - A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red." Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40." The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell. His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?" So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue." Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400." "FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?" Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40." "Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!"
Nutty Problem - A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out." Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"
Burning Sensation - A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor, "Doctor, my penis has been burning lately." And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it."
Sex Is A Killer - A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do." The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex." "Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right away." He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face. Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely managing to move forward. "What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?" "Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be dead."
Penile Operation - A guy who has a stuttering problem goes in to his doctor and says "Ex-ex-ex-cu-cu-se m-m-me d-d-oc but I I I have th-th-this st-st-stuttering problem and I I I was wo-wondering if you c-c-c-could help m-m-m-me." "Well take off your clothes and get into this gown and let me check you over." The guy gets into the gown and the doc begins his check-up." The doctor is quite surprised: "I see what the problem is your penis is so large that it's pulling on you abdominal muscles which in turn is causing a strain on your vocal chords." "W-w-w-well c-c-can you h-h-help m-m-me?" "Sure I can but we'll need to cut off about 8 inches" "I-I-I-I can't t-t-t-take this an-any more do it." Six months later the guy goes back to the doc. "Well doc I must say that the operation was a great success but my sex life really sucks and I would like my operation reversed. Please put back what you took off". The doc replies "F-f-f-f-f-fuck Off!"
Taste It - A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this, "she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
Adjust the Chair - A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth. "Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist. "Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady. "In that case, let me adjust the chair first," replies the dentist.