Polak's Wife - A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah." The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"
Two Italian Stallions - A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following; "Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more." "You fowl-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Chinese Goer - A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
Skins? - A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by a fierce tribe. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die." The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down. The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out. The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over --the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???" The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"
Ebonics As a Second Language - A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID. 1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH. 2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY. 3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE. 4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN. 5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM. 6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS. 7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB. 8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE. 9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE. 10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI. 12. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE. 13. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE. 14. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST? 15. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY. 16. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL. NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.
How I got my name? - A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm"? "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm", she said. Then he asked "Why is my sister named Cornflower"? "Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her", she replied. He then asked "And why is my other sister called Moonchild"? "We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived", the mother replies. The mother paused and said to her son... "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious"
Frog Available - A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said, "Clitoris licking frog available". Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her. Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying : -"Please ring for service" The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter. "Bonjour madame"
Constipated Polak - A Polak was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositiories. A week later the Pole complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results. "Have you been taking them regulary?" the doctor asked. "What do you think I've been doing," the Pole said, "Shoving them up my ass?"
Polish New Car Is Busted - A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
Sheep Shagging - A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. "So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. "So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall." "That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. "So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?" "Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders." "Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?" "What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"
The Russian who made a wish - A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka. "His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle!"
Scottish Builder - A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!" Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!" Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the Pier-Builder? Nooooo!" Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"
Ancient History Explained... - A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order: A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time. The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"
Happy Happy - A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and she let a big fart. She looked up and said: "Scuse prease, front hole so happy back hole whistle!"
Don't Cut - An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated. The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!"
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