Christmas and a day at the office? - Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Twas the night before X-mas - T'was the night before christmas- Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and through down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have a good mind to scrap the whole works I've busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night The elves want more money the reindeers all fight Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter They say I owe taxes-if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money And the kids these days- they all are the pits They want the impossible... Those mean litttle shits I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls....Their arms, legs, and heads I made a ton of yo yo's No request for them They want computers and robots.....they think I'm IBM If you thinks that bad...just picture this Try holding their pants full of piss They pull on my nose they grab at my beard And if I don't smile the parents think I'm wierd Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimmneys and skinning their knees I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment There's no christmas this year.... now you know the reason I found me a blonde ...I'm going south for the season
Even more facts of life... - Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy. There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Don't worry about the world ending today... It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying) Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people think you are. Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work. A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Rejected Hallmark Cards - 1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day... look on the bright side, she's a really good lay. 2. My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry. 3. You had your Bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends. 4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy. 5. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be... But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. 6. You totaled your car... and can't remember why... could it have been... that case of Bud Dry
The Honeymoon Begins - A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Locked Up - A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say"... "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"